my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
