I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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