i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
