Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
