I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
