I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
