just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
