Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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