Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize