I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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