Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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