So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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