hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
