You made me cry and you don't even care
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
