you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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