I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize