I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think I won the penis lottery.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
