just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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