if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Send help, water and tortillas.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
