"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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