i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
