Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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