When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
