dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
