to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
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