my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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