Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize