I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
