I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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