yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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