He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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