Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize