Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
