I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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