one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
