How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
