So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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