I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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