My first STD was from a foam party
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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