Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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