its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
third nipple confirmed
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
