im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
