he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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