my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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