I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
