I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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