I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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