my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
