Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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