Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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