i can't believe i had my finger in that
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
