I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
