I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
