I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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