That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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