If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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