1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you guys were way drunker than both of me
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
