is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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