I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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