Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
birth control should be required to get into college
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
