I want you more than these girls want KFC
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
