Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
