I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
