remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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