i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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