If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
