you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
