just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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