i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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