Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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