I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize