btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
